How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
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I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
