Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE