How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
