How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
