How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
