How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition