How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The fall of Netflix
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
