How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party