How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face