How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
problems i need
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill