How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?