How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.