How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.