Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no