How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
wow
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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