How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
reminder
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Honey I made you some hotdog water
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit