How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
