How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
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Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
They must have gotten it to go.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
fly smarter, not harder
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.