Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This headline is a thing of beauty

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?