Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

me after drinking all the wine:

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.