Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

This guy gets it.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously