Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Finally

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.