How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing