How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped