Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Hot Hot Hot

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.