How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*