Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.