Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Sticker placement is key.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

money maker

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.