Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika