How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.