Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

She knows her part so well!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”