Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.