Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

Asking the real questions!

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

😞

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Honey I made you some hotdog water

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year