Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

What

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*