How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m putting together a team
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My new favorite headline
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.