How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
(by @ZachWeiner )
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Ummm 😳
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
also my go-to takeaway order
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…