Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

necessity is the mother of invention

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

My daily affirmation

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.