How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do![]()
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head