How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Wait a second…
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.