Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

this is 10/10 content no notes

Overindulged this afternoon.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*