Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Pretty certain I can more drunk

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc