How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
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First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Glasses
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute