How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
i will not be silenced
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.