How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me too 😆
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—