How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Can Happiness buy money?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows