Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

No laws when master is gone

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.