Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Me when I hear gossip

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Not all heroes wear capes.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

What is going on? 😅