Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.