Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

that wasn’t the question

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.