How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.