Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.