How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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📂Years
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PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
they split up moments later
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.