How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or