Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers