Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.