Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

This is the coolest video you will see today.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.