How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Oh the world we live in…
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
All set.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question