Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?