How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*