How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome