“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this