“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas