“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
That’s no pocket rocket.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I wanna be friends with this person
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.