“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
United Steaks of America
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores