“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.