how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
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Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?