how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
He has no idea 🤡
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues