How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead