How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Yup
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
I can’t be the only one 😂
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
