Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.