How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.