How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
You Might Also Like
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50