How many? 🤔
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I’m being attacked 😭
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!