How many? 🤔
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I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Realize this:
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free