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Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32