People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Hard not to take this personally
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working