How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.