Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt