How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE