How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The most accurate map ever devised.
cats when you pet them too long:
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.