How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
classic mixup
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?