Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.