Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

I’ve had worse

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)