Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.