Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.